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Trying to figure him out is like trying to understand why he feels the urge to adjust his crotch in public – impossible. But his tattoo may provide a rare glimpse into his psyche and mating instincts.

Barbed Wire

Psyche

Your classic wannabe tough guy, he never got over his ’90s crush on silicone-boob icon Pamela Anderson or his fantasies about powering off into the sunset on a Harley-Davidson with his favorite Playboy Playmate.

In Bed

Just like Pam’s character in her cheesy movie Barb Wire, he’s lovably dim-witted and will guarantee you many silly giggles in bed. He will call you ‘babe’ (ad nauseam) and will do his utmost to persuade you to make your acting debut in a home sex tape.

Tribal

Psyche

A powerful individualist fancies himself as a Maori or Celtic warrior. Think Robbie Williams before his obsession with aliens. But like Robbie, who got his Celtic cross for protection from ‘the devil inside him’, he’s all about the hurt and, ultimately, he’s trouble.

In Bed

In touch with his inner Neanderthal and well-versed in ancient bedroom practices, he’ll go at it like a tireless hunter. But after his final grunt of satisfaction don’t be surprised if he unceremoniously turfs you out of his cave and goes on the prowl again.

Eastern Symbols

Psyche

The ultimate jock, he spends hours honing his body and has developed a superficial interest in Eastern mysticism because he’s heard it’s ‘cool’. Think David Beckham, who paid tribute to Posh by having her name tattooed in Hindi script on his arm. It was later revealed that his tattoo spelt ‘Vihctoria’.

In Bed

His hunky physique will provide hours of pleasure initially but his lack of imagination, superficial conversation and squeaky voice will eventually grate.

Lower-Back Tattoos

Psyche

Nothing says ‘commitment issues’ quite like a tramp stamp does. This tattoo is generally favored by women, so you’d be forgiven for thinking he bats for the other team. That would also account for the low-rise jeans and tiny tops he keeps digging out of his closet.

In Bed

Fidelity is not in his relationship vocab. And don’t be surprised if he keeps flipping you over like Heath Ledger did with Michelle Williams’s long-suffering character in Brokeback Mountain.

Black Panther or Tiger

Psyche

These tattoos are the universal symbols for power, masculinity and virility, and any man willing to sport them doesn’t doubt his manhood. (Unless they’re on his genitalia or bum – that’s just trying too hard.)

In Bed

A king in the animal kingdom, he’s out to prove his prowess in the bedroom – and who are you to refuse?

Female Names

Psyche

It could be his mother’s name – (or just ‘Mom’) or his ex-girlfriend’s name – or both. Either way, he has serious issues. His mother is probably the only woman he’ll ever respect and wish he could marry. (Yuck). Are you comfortable having your name added to the other notches on his arm – and bedpost?

In Bed

He enjoys being spanked and will inevitably call out another woman’s name mid-orgasm. Imagine he calls out his mother’s?

Penis Tattoos

Ask yourself whether he had to get his penis erect to have it tattooed. If that doesn’t freak you out then you’ve got to be game for a guy who probably thinks he’s porn star Rob Rotten. It’s refreshing that he’s willing to admit to his penis obsession – but are you really ready to worship it?

Home-Made Tattoos

He’s either been in Prison or he shares a brain cell with the idiot from Jackass: The Movie who had more holes tattooed into him than Swiss cheese while driving around in an off-road buggy on a BMX track.

Full-Body Tattoos

Do you really want to date a guy who’s determined to transform himself into a leopard or a zombie?

Nazi or White-Supremacy Tattoos

Run while you can.